This page should be for a class lesson (assuming we have time to get to it), but it will also help you think about your own reviews. The paragraph below takes you through revising with certain stylistic choices from Kolln & Gray’s Rhetorical Grammar in mind.

The Music Review

As I’ve mentioned before, music used to come on albums, vinyl records. Later, music came on cassette tapes and, eventually, CDs, but we still called them albums (or even “records”). Below is an excerpt from a review on The Red Hot Chili Pepper’s album Californication. This isn’t the entire review. It starts with the section focused on the individual tracks.

Try to identify techniques that make the prose more efficient. Also, what other revisions could make this even more efficient? Below this excerpt are possible original sentences that demonstrate how to revise for a more efficient style. Also, notice how titles are formatted: album titles are italicized and song titles have quotation marks around them.

The album’s first song “Around the World” begins in the unique Chili Peppers way–distorted guitar pedals pull listeners in immediately. A slower tempo brings in lead singer Anthony Kiedis’s patented staccato rap style and melodious bellow, framing the song’s chorus: “I know I know for sure / That life is beautiful around the world.” The entire first song is a road map for the album. Kiedis’s lyrics focus on the Golden State, its geography painted in the music and its allure felt in every part of the world.

The second track “Parallel Universe” explains that California is a microcosm of the world: “I’m a California King / I swear it’s everywhere / It’s everything.” The song’s fast guitar riffs during the chorus contrast the somber tone of the rest of the verses. Kiedis’s languid voice, set perfectly to the track’s transitions, carries listeners deeper into the Western fairy land.

The third track “Scar Tissue,” first single released, delivers a poignant tune of the potential vices new arrivals encounter in California: the runaway “southern girl with a scarlet drawl,” falling victim to the dangers of drugs; the “young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra,” entering a life of prostitution; the “Sarcastic mister know-it-all,” self-aggrandizing with the false bravado of a dilettante. Each reminds us where the train ride to fame and fortune in California can derail.

Although the CD touches on bad parts of California, you won’t find a sermon preaching to avoid the state. It just is. No excuses. The title track “Californication” makes that abundantly clear. Kiedis sings about “dreams of silver screen quotations” and “pay[ing] your surgeon very well / to break the spell of aging.” Yes, California is a plastic world of stars, has-beens, never-beens. Regardless of the bad times, the world loves the creative entertainment capital: “It’s understood that Hollywood sells Californication.”

This song suggests that we’re all connected to the world: “Space is made of everything.” California may be a cesspool of vice, victims, and vanity, but we turn on the shows and watch the movies and indulge in the characters produced there. Besides, “Californication” tells us that we get our dreams and information from California and not from the source: “Space may be the final frontier / But it’s made in a Hollywood basement.”

Don’t expect a moral to jump out at you when you listen to the CD. On their adventure, a mixture of fun and loss, the Chili Peppers reflect and (perhaps) conclude that it’s an overall enjoyable, happy place. Sure, your heart strings will be tugged a little, but the album is a reflection of our world—good and bad. And it’s the album we’ve been waiting for since 1991, an album that doesn’t share the spotlight but takes it. The Chili Peppers are back from an eight-year hiatus with material from the only place where life never gets boring, California.

Indulge me and look at the original text of the paragraphs and think through the revisions. I’ll pull out at least one sentence per paragraph.

Paragraph #1

• 2nd Sentence: The tempo slows down when lead singer Anthony Kiedis comes in with his patented staccato rap style, and then he switches to a melodious bellow for the song’s chorus: “I know I know for sure / That life is beautiful around the world.”
  • Revision: A slower tempo brings in lead singer Anthony Kiedis’s patented staccato rap style and melodious bellow, framing the song’s chorus: “I know I know for sure / That life is beautiful around the world.”
  • Reason: What’s the effect of adding the participial phrase? Identify what (and) where that phrase is.
• 4th Sentence: Also, the lyrics cue us to Kiedis’s main focus: there’s a little bit of California in every part of the world.
  • Revision: Kiedis’s lyrics focus on the Golden State, its geography painted in the music and its allure felt in every part of the world.
  • Reason: What information has been added to vary the language? Can you identify the absolute phrase?
  • It would also be ok to punctuate the sentence the following way to accentuate the participial phrases (new commas highlighted):
    Kiedis’s lyrics focus on the Golden State, its geography, painted in the music, and its allure, felt in every part of the world.
  • Normally, I’d advise you not to use those commas, but please notice the rhetorical effect of accentuating the phrases:
    • “…painted in the music…”
    • “…felt in every part of the world…”

Paragraph #2

• 3rd Sentence: Kiedis’s languid voice changes perfectly to the transitions throughout the song as well as the album.
  • Revision: Kiedis’s languid voice, set perfectly to the track’s transitions, carries listeners deeper into the Western fairy land.
  • Reason: Look up participial phrases on p. 97 of Kolln & Gray. Can we move the participial phrase in this sentence?

Paragraph #3

• 1st Sentence: The third track, “Scar Tissue,” is the first single from the album. It’s a poignant tune of the potential vices the newly arrived encounter in California: the runaway “southern girl with a scarlet drawl” who falls victim to the dangers of drugs, the “young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra” entering a life of prostitution, and the self-aggrandizing “Sarcastic mister know-it-all”.
  • Revision: The third track “Scar Tissue,” first single released, delivers a poignant tune of the potential vices new arrivals encounter in California: the runaway “southern girl with a scarlet drawl,” falling victim to the dangers of drugs; the “young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra,” entering a life of prostitution; the “Sarcastic mister know-it-all”, self-aggrandizing with the false bravado of a dilettante.
  • Reason: Parallelism? Does it work?

Paragraph #4

• 1st Sentence: Although the CD touches on bad parts of California, it doesn’t make excuses for the vices or preach sermons for us to avoid the state.
  • Revision: Although the CD touches on bad parts of California, you won’t find a sermon preaching to avoid the state. It just is. No excuses.
  • Reason: What’s the effect of the added two sentences?

Paragraph #5

• 2nd Sentence: California may be a cesspool of vice, victims, and vanity, but we turn on the shows and watch the movies produced there.
  • Revision: California may be a cesspool of vice, victims, and vanity, but we turn on the shows and watch the movies and indulge in the characters produced there.
  • Reason: Subtle change through polysyndeton, which “puts emphasis on each element of a series with a fairly equal beat (Kolln & Gray, p. 128). Notice how the sentence is purposely lengthened to make the reader realize they tune in, watch, and indulge:
    • “…turn on the shows and watch the movies and indulge in the characters produced there.”
  • The above series slightly violates parallelism. Notice that the verbs in the series aren’t of the same structure. The first and third are verbs with particles (on and in) and the second has no particle:
    • turn on
    • watch
    • indulge in

Paragraph #6

• 2nd Sentence: After all, the Chili Peppers have fun in California, and the album reflects that through its overall enjoyable, happy tone.
  • Revision: On their adventure, a mixture of fun and loss, the Chili Peppers reflect and (perhaps) conclude that it’s an overall enjoyable, happy place.
  • On their adventure, a mixture of fun and loss, the Chili Peppers reflect and (perhaps) conclude that it’s an overall enjoyable, happy place.
  • Reason: The appositive “a mixture of fun and loss” is probably unnecessary, but it’s a repetition of the songs moral on life–there are good times and bad times.
• 3rd Sentence: Furthermore, since 1991, we’ve been waiting for this album, and it doesn’t share the spotlight but takes it.
  • Revision: And it’s the album we’ve been waiting for since 1991, an album that doesn’t share the spotlight but takes it.
  • Reason: Another subtle change. How might punctuation and word placement affect emphasis in the sentence?

Don’t let the excerpted review above scare you. For class purposes, I went out of my way to try to use strategies from Kolln & Gray. I wouldn’t write this way normally and don’t feel I have to change ALL my sentences. I just like having options, and I want you to have them as well.